if you ever let go
by pikajow
Summary: Reno finally wakes up from the nightmares of reality, committing suicide. Aeirth saved him but with a price


If you ever let go

Chapter 1

Summary: Reno has lost to the nightmares of the past and tries to commit suicide. Aeirth saves him, but with a price.

Authors note: this will be Mpreg because I just like messing with the male anatomy and giving them what we women have to bare with, so all in all my Mpreg stories are mainly just messed up pay back. Takes place after Advent Children. Oh and this seems kind of rushed to me, tell me if you agree. And the people way out of character but come on, would you act normal if you just commited suicide but then forced to come back by a pretty flower girl?

"You don't have to suffer anymore…" Tears, endless rivers of emotion and sensation, coming when you least expect it, and hiding when you want them most. "You don't have to do this…" Emotionless sky blue eyes blinked slowly, wishing for once that the tears would come, would comfort him and let him now that he wasn't alone. "You did this to us!" angered voices yelled in his head, his eyes closing momentarily as screams of long lost souls roared in his mind, reminding him of his sins, of everyone he couldn't save. He wished for the tears to come.

Sadly, he was made, trained not to cry even if the entire world crashed upon him, rendering his life as worthless as trash. But wasn't that just it? Wasn't he just another person who could be easily replaced, no matter the skill he portrayed? He wasn't worth it, the anger, the pain, the sadness… There was once a man who slept for thirty years, hiding his face from the world for he was thought to be scarred and worthless, hiding his emotions, along with his long ago dried tears from the world. He knew now though, the man slept not because he was broken, he slept because he never wanted to wake up to the nightmares of reality, rather dealing with his subconscious, and the monsters in his head.

But…why should he have to meet the same fate? Why should he have to wake up at night in a cold sweat because of the endless nightmares that plagued his subconscious, stripping him of his energy and will to live? Why should he have a choice when others never had such a luxury? Cold metal pressed against a frail, pale wrist; putting enough pressure to cause a bleeding wound though not enough to severe his vein and render him dead within minutes. Drops of blood slid down, contrasting against the pale skin of a pale arm before finding its way down into the water of the tub. Sky blue eyes did not blink at the slight pain of the intrusion of his flesh, the eyes glazed over, lost still in the world of dreams…and nightmares.

A parched throat constricted as slowly, ever so slowly the cold metal danced along skin, the knife cutting deep, tearing muscle and lightly scraping bone, the blood staining the water like desperate tears of death. Not one tear joined the red stained water, a different tear taking its place. Sobs of pain and madness built in his throat and spilled out from between lips as the knife curved and weaved shakily, tears still not permitting them his presence even as he took his own life. He was so tired…so tired of everything. He was tired of the pain, the anger, the distress, the sadness and loneliness.

His mind reeled with all the reasons for his nightmares, but no emotions plagued him, only the words he carved into his skin repeating themselves over and over in his head, the cold metal leaving his skin as the last letter was permanently imprinted onto blood stained skin. The knife fell from shaking fingers, clattering onto the ground noisily. The wounded arm rested on the side of the tub, the blood pooling on top before slowly starting its slow trail down the side of the tub, silent in its decent to death.

Sky blue eyes closed, already feeling the tingling of mako healing his torn muscles and skin, the decent slow, his body not having enough time to prevent his unavoidable death. Slowly he slipped downwards and under the soft tides of the water, not caring to take a quick breath before he was fully submerged. Water that had gone cold a long time ago entered slightly flared nostrils, burning all his senses as it intruded his body, stripping him of all right to breath.

How many people have died like this at his hand? How many people has he tortured and massacred in the name of Shinra? How many people had the curse of surviving, only to end their lives like he was ending his now? He stayed under even as his body begged for air, breathing in the water, slowly letting himself drown, letting himself die. It burned like a thousand fiery suns, his chest had filled with water and seemed ready to explode, his heart feebly beating against his chest in attempt to escape from the slow, agonizing pain.

He did not thrash or claw at the surface though, instead letting it happen, wanting to sleep for once in a place where memories were not of essence, were he could rest without the fear of the many nightmares that had his sanity on the brink of shattering. But, like a curse wrapped in red ribbons of despair, a hand grabbed that of the one that was still not submerged, another hand breaking the surface and grabbing him under the armpit and pulling him up and out of the water, pulling him into a strong chest. His lungs fought for air but he couldn't breathe, his mind pulling him in and out of conscious as he slowly died, the tingling of air against his cold skin a reminder of everything he wanted to leave behind.

Strong hands pushed against his chest, pitifully trying to bring him back. His lungs screamed for more pressure, trying forcefully to clean out the red water from his lungs, his entire body already lost to the tides of cold, emotionless despair.

"You shouldn't have come here," a familiar soft voice whispered sadly, sky blue eyes opening lazily, a pale face cringing as sensitive eyes were assaulted by light, immediately shutting them. The facial features relaxed though when a smooth hand lightly touched the wet skin of his forehead, soothing the headache that pounded behind his eyes. "Everyone has a reason to live… Reno," the soft voice whispered, Reno attempting to open his eyes once again, blinking them slowly. All that was visible was white, the white that surrounded him making him feel a little claustrophobic. He looked to his side and smiled lopsidedly when he saw a bed of familiar flowers surrounding him, comforting him more than anything ever could. He closed his eyes and breathed in their watery scent, his lungs no longer burning with built up pressure.

"Am I dead?" Reno asked, copying what he had heard in a movie, only somewhat serious. Aeirth's light giggle helped him relax even further, the angelic sound reminding him of church bells, a sound he hadn't heard for far too long. "No silly," she giggled, sighing deeply as she massaged the bridge of his nose, the feeling making him want to sneeze. "It is not your time to come here, Reno," she sighed, running her fingers over his cheek, the light touches making him shiver. "Why not?" he asked quietly, hoping that for once the flower girl was just kidding, his headache coming back full force, the screams of the ones he murdered echoing in his ears.

The flower girl sighed lightly, softly touching her lips to his own, Reno's eyes wanting so bad to just open in shock but something kept them glued shut, his attempts pitiful. She pulled away after what only seemed like seconds, her breath warm on his face. "Everyone has a reason to live," she touched her hand to his naked stomach, the skin still wet and cold. "Forgive me," she whispered; pushing down violently, Reno screaming as he felt his stomach being torn out, his insides quickly rearranging, the pain so immense he couldn't control his screams.

Aeirth bowed her head as she felt movement beneath her hand, the gift she was giving this man making it look more like a curse as he screamed in agony. The life stream and planet screamed for her to stop, to not bring such an abomination into the world but she blocked them out, a lonely tear falling down her cheek. "Forgive me."

Then he was falling, his body weightless but at the same time as heavy as a thousand bricks, his entire body sore as he awoke. His throat and lungs worked in union to save their host as water sprouted from between his lips, his lungs contracting as all water was evacuated from his body. He turned over to the side and rose up to his hands and knees quickly and vomited to clear his system, his entire body shaking with the effort to stay up. A gloved hand lightly laid itself on his back, the touch hesitant and foreign, nothing like the flower girls.

After he finally was able to stop dry heaving, he just stayed there, eyes closed as he cursed the flower girl that forced him to come back here and face his nightmares, his reality. Hot, stinging tears finally developed in his eyes, his shaking body convulsing as he sobbed and cried out for someone he had forgotten a long time ago, strong arms pulling him into a clothed chest, his hands fisting the material as he cried shamelessly, not caring who held him, not caring who saw him degrade into a pile of teary madness like a baby who was brought into the world.

Hesitant fingers ran through his hair, soothing him in manner that made him feel young, fragile. He wanted so badly to pull away and vent his anger on the person who held him, but couldn't find the strength too, just tightening his grip on drenched clothing as he cried harder, not caring how low he was degrading himself. He wanted to die; he wanted to get away from everything and never have to face this world again. Slowly the tears started to recede as his anger started to calm from waves to just rippling tides, his sobs becoming quiet whimpers and hiccups, his white knuckled grip loosening as he found the power to control himself, his body not shaking as badly in the warm embrace of the one that held him.

He didn't look up after he had finally managed to control himself, not wanting to see who had came for him, just riding the slow rocks the person was doing, his entire body too tired to get up. "You are stupid," a deep voice he recognized as his partners dictated, Reno's body flinching with the truthful, though harsh words. 'Hey…partner," Reno mumbled, already close to falling asleep in the blurry mans arms from the rocking and his heartbeat that ringed in his ears with a soft hum. Reno yelped in surprise when a hand smacked him in the head, angry blue eyes glaring up at his partner, the shades Rude wore preventing him from seeing his eyes.

"Don't go to sleep, we have to get you to a hospital," Rude insisted, Reno sighing at the request. He let Rude help him stand up, his legs shaking under him, his limbs still weak from the quantity of blood loss from his still not fully healed arm. He didn't feel self conscious sense Rude has seen him naked before, the two men not really caring about modesty sense they were so close. Rude laid him down on the bed and looked for some clean sweats and a shirt, Reno watching him with half lidded eyes.

"Why did you come here?" Reno asked quietly, Rude stopping momentarily in his search, a deep sigh escaping his lips as he walked over to the bed and laid the clothes by Reno's head. "I got the message," Rude replied almost stoically, Reno grabbing his hand when he offered it. After that they hardly spoke as Rude helped Reno dress, the red head just giving up after putting on his underwear, the blood still on his body making it difficult, letting Rude do the rest himself.

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up in front of the hospital, Reno half asleep in the passenger's seat, his head lulled to the side, his hair falling over his shoulder and falling into the hem his shirt, tickling his flesh. He wanted so badly to take it out but his limbs were too weak, his entire body just too exhausted. He couldn't stand anymore when Rude got him out of the car, letting his body lean against his partners as he tried to stay awake, Rude just residing to picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder.

At first it pained Reno because his stomach was still sore, his attempts of wiggling off Rude's shoulder fruitless. When they entered the hospital Reno was immediately taken away from Rude when they noticed he was a Turk, Reno trying not to reach out to him as they wheeled him away, his vision becoming blurry as Rude left his vision. "What's the condition?" A doctor asked calmly as he walked next to Reno's stretcher, writing down something on his clip board. "Copious amounts of blood loss from multiple wounds inflicted on the ulnar artery, and possible internal bleeding," a nurse replied, Reno cringing at her high pitched voice, the sound waves of her voice like thunder to his ears.

"Get him into surgery and close those wounds, someone get me information on this man ASAP!" Reno wanted so bad to run away at that moment, the mention of surgery making his stomach flip flop painfully, his insides boiling. Reno tried to sit up but the nurses surrounding him held him down, trying to keep him to lie still so he wouldn't aggravate the wound. When a nurse put a hand on his stomach he screamed in agony as it felt like his insides were torn out, the hand immediately retreating. "What the…hurry and get this man into surgery!"

I tapped my foot on the ground hurriedly, a habit I had thought to have dealt with years ago. Tseng had came an hour ago but only passed through, leaving as fast as he came after he got word on his condition. Rude did not blame him, Reno, though important was not more important than Rufus, Tseng already risking his life for coming here. Rude resisted sighing as he looked to the clock, a light frown pulling at his usually straight lips. It's been three hours sense Reno had went into surgery. Rude put his head in his hands, lifting his shades enough to rub his eyes, the events of the day already getting to him.

"Sir," a strong voice proclaimed, Rude raising his head to stare at a slim, blonde haired man clad in a white doctor's coat, his brown eyes betraying none of his current emotions. Rude stood and nodded. "Please come with me," the doctor asked, Rude nodding once again before following, his heart sinking in his chest though he did not ask for his partner's condition. The two walked into a secluded room, the doctor turning and pulling a file from his under his arm.

"I did not want to discuss this outside; I understand your kind like for things to stay confidential," the doctor replied, handing Rude the folder. Rude opened the folder and frowned as he saw a black and white brain scan, unsure of what he was supposed to be looking at. "And this means what exactly?" Rude asked, the doctor pointing to a large black spot near the brain stem of the scan.

"Your friend has a tumor on the hypothalamus; it's causing him to produce a large amount of estrogen instead of testosterone. The tumor though large does not seem to cause any actual damage to his brain besides the hormone imbalance, but it would be wise to remove it before it gets worse and spreads to other parts of the brain," the doctor informed, Rude frowning deeply. The doctor turned the page over to show the one underneath it, Rude unsure of what he was staring at. He knew it was a scan of the stomach, but what confused him was that it seemed rearranged, some organs he never saw in a man protruding, rearranging some organs.

"What is this?" Rude asked, the doctor clearing his throat as he stood a little taller. "He has the female reproductive organs, along with his male reproductive organs. He is what we consider a hermaphrodite, a special case that does not happen often," the doctor replied, Rude finally looking up, his shades preventing the doctor from seeing the confusion in his eyes. "Sense this condition is caused by a mutation in the chromosome most likely due to mako; it could not have lain dormant because he should have had this sense birth. I took a few more scans and we found that he was bleeding internally from his uterus. If you had not brung him when you did he would have died within minutes." Rude looked back down to the paper and took a shaky breath as he took in everything the doctor had just said.

"Are the tumor and female reproductive parts related in this situation?" Rude asked, the doctor shaking his head. "The tumor has been developing for over a year now, way shorter than his female reproductive parts have been developing. His female parts though miraculously more developed than other people with this condition, are still not as developed like a woman's would be. With this in mind, he should be sterile," the doctor clarified, Rude nodding his head slowly as he tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together. How come he never told him?

"Where is he now?" Rude asked, the doctor, ever sense they got here finally putting on a smile. "He did well, he is right now in the ICU, and he should be ready to go home in no time soon. He is a fast healer," Rude nodded as the doctor turned to leave the room, a deep sigh he's been holding in for too long passing from between his chapped lips. "I'll give you a prescription for the pain pills he will need, you may return to the waiting room and I'll bring it to you." With that the doctor left, the folder still held in Rude's hands as he stared at the pictures held within, Rude unable to look anymore. How could he not have known?

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End file.
